LIE.
ok. ok. I want to be straightforward.. I miss you. I miss you. Days have been a torture. you're always on my mind.
i hope i could patch things up. Love me again. Even if it's a LIE.
ok. ok. I want to be straightforward.. I miss you. I miss you. Days have been a torture. you're always on my mind.
i hope i could patch things up. Love me again. Even if it's a LIE.
and to make things worst, i just met him through playing audition. an online game. hayy. i don't know. feel so vulnerable..
i think hurting has already been a part of my life..
i miss you peter john calingacion..this day caused a havoc in my heart..for it died because you took it away..as i heard your voice over the phone..you were trying to tell me that things aren't working between us..and that i have to slap my face to awaken my senses. this day, is the day i'll lose you FOREVER..
i made this letter awhile ago(i sneaked writing this thing after we had our long quiz in pharmacology..)my penmanship sucks so i decided to post it in a blog so that somehow, you'll have the chance to read it. and i don't have to worry and save a buck to send this to your house via mail.
here it goes.
Thank you for everything...for taking away my insecurities.. for showing me that people do love me for who I am.. for making me understand that people I love will hurt me but it doesn't necessarily mean they love me any less, and that when they do hurt me, it is possible to forgive, forget and move on with life; for making me realize it is possible to trust again after getting hurt. Thank you too for giving me the most painful lesson in my life thus far...that the moment you love someone you have given him the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations. This is my way of moving on, of saying goodbye to a love that was never meant to be and was never mine to begin with. You know, I've never really understood what happened between us...how and why we came to this - not seeing texting each other for days at a time when we both know that it's the only thing that binds us together. But then again, was there ever an us to begin with? We were just friends..and i am your friend's gf. But after your friend and i broke up, fate brought us together. do you still remember the day when i said that i liked you?i was enthrilled. the feeling is crazy. december 14, 2007. that was the day that i opened my heart for you.
ok. i have to confess. at first, i just kidded about liking you. but then, i ended up falling down on my knees. the next thing i knew, i was under your spell. bedazzled and bewitched.
Even now it would make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there..for four months and 14days(april28,'08)i didn't know that our love would be possible. texting each other every single day. talking to you for hours..it felt so REAL. God knows how much i wanted to see you. to make the "THING" between us possible.
actually, i didn't even know where i got the nerve to write this thing. this is blasphemy. a concrete evidence of my downfall. i think im so near to losing my sanity.
You seemed to have changed your mind already. From this point onwards, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright ugly. Suddenly it was as if we didn't know each other. You stayed as far away from me as possible. you cancelled all my calls. leaving my eyes smudged for the next day.
This time I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all, but you didn't want to. And no matter what I say, everything falls on deaf ears. Eventually, I thought it was better to keep my silence, to just give you the space you're asking for. But hell, i can't wait any longer. i tried but in vain, i failed. i kept on missing you. the intensity rose its peak as each day passed by..
Peejang(aka Pj),
though I may not have said anything...I loved you with all my heart, and love you still, but I'm tired - I'm tired of fighting for a love that has lived its moment...of living on memories that are special only to me...Thank you for accepting me and allowing me enough room to grow at the same time...for inspiring me and making me want to become a better person. Thank you for being there when I needed you - for the silly and the serious moments; for making me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time; for cheering me up when I'm nervous or scared(hearing your voice is just enough to make me feel secured);for never failing to make me feel better no matter how down or how depressed I've become; for unselfishly sharing my joys and my happiness. Most of all, thank you for making me feel special, for making me feel loved, even if it was so ambiguous and so fleeting I was hardly conscious about it. I'm sorry things had to come to this - I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you after all, and I wasn't supposed to expect anything to come out of our playing pretend either. But even if everything got so painful, I'm still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while.
I've heard people say that while some good things never last others don't even start - I guess that fits us exactly...we could have been good together...good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began. I'm letting you go, I'm letting us go. I've finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that i should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn't with each other. I must admit you probably won't be too far away from my thoughts, and that thinking of you will still bring that tinge of sadness and regret. But I'm okay. I will be okay. Loving again may take awhile though. For now, I'd concentrate on healing myself, on making myself complete on my own - so that when the right one finally comes, I'll be able to give myself to him as I would have wanted to give myself to you. Wherever life may lead us from here...good luck!
I've been waiting
I've been searching for a beautiful one like you
I've been crying in the darkness like the bottom of the ocean
Please don't walk away
till I'm melted by a dream
Don't think I'm insane
I just want to be... loved..
i know it was just another one of your sissy games..you made me fell flat on my face by making me feel darn special..and when i was about to take the risk..i found myself stuck in the midst of nowhere..
you're making me feel so pathetic. i feel like i've already given everything. but it seems like your still not satisfied..
how can you ever do this to me?it's been days but you're still on my mind. i can't endure more of this. i THINK i'm going to suffocate in pain if i'd let myself falling for someone like you..
i hate you.
i didn't know how it ended because I don't even have slightest idea how it started. It just came out from nowhere and here i am, got no choice but to live with it.
You know how I loved you. It all started because of this Online Game I was hooked on playing. I even got myself repriminded always by my friends telling me to stop playing but then again, hard-headed as I am, I paved the way without getting bothered by their raised eye-brow and smirked faces. I love my friends. But it's just that I love him way too much that I had a hard time letting go. It's just now that I realized something.
"I feel so stupid for trying to find myself in your world that later I realized I never DID became a part of it. SHITass. Hell yeah."
An oxymoron like me, having all these shameful experiences I had with my lunatic and dreadful lovelife from AUDITION..well, Now I can testify that I have been really Pathetic.
As much as I'd like to say that what I had with you is REAL, I can't lie to myself anymore. I don't want to lose you, but I'm not really sure if what we have is still worth holding on to. I don't even know if you still need me to stay.
Pathetic.Depressed.Regretful.Intimidated
That's what I feel for you right now.
I cannot find the right words to explain how I kept myself sane over the past two year of being without a guy, of being dateless on Friday nights. My sanity lies in the realization that neither myself nor my destiny can ever control the truth about having a relationship.
I was born alone, why would I kill myself just to have someone in my bed?
Gloria Steinem said:
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
Just like a fish, I could still swim the deep waters; without even learning how to walk, even ride bikes.
Yes, I survived two years without the comforts of a partner because I am a woman.
Sadness could devour me like forest fire, but my mind keeps telling me that I can be happy, that I can be normal; even though my hormones are now going haywire.
Sometimes, I would just scream at the top of my lungs to release the pressures of being alone. And then I would just come back to my senses and realize that in my solitude I found the person who would always be there for me... MYSELF.
Looking past the mirror in front of me, I see what is beyond the lines forming under my eyes, with brows slowly shaping into an arch of non-conformity. I see the nakedness of my femininity reaching its true value. I do not see curves; rather it is the simplicity of being who I am that suppresses the madness.
Insanity...
I have no clue what that means anymore.
So this is what it's like.
Waking up in the morning without having to feel the need to greet anyone via SMS and wish them a great and beautiful day. Having more time to yourself, to just sit and stare at a pile of books and photocopies I have to study while listening to some pop, rnb, emo rock, either of which that will fit the mood.
That your free time, if not spent on yourself, is dedicated to the thought of what might have been and what could have happened if only things were different. If only I was not introduced upon playing AUDITION.
They say that single people dream a lot more than lovers, and indeed they do. Of a LOVE that hasn't come, OR of a LOVE that has been lost to them forever. I remember one of Paulo Coelho's best- selling novel, "By the River Piedra, I sat down and wept." The thought kept ringing in my mind. "I want a Love that is possible" NOT just merely compromising a make-up relationship for the sake of plunging one's self into the realm of sanity and uncertainty. True love is an act of total surrender. NEED I SAY MORE? Discover it for yourself.
So this is what it's like.
They say that there will be some who'd go out of their way to pull you up, to help you and hold your hand and lead you to how it is to be happy once again. And in most cases, they are right.
There will be eventually someone who'd see you in your own darkness and save you. Sometimes, there's even more than just one person out there willing to help. People that you see when you are INLOVE, but don't exactly feel. Now, take away the light, and let them in.
So this is what it's like.
Take the sun away so I can walk freely in the dark.
But then again, what does any of these have to do with my PHYSICS?--nothing.
I'm just sporting some EMO atmosphere here. Physics is another story.=)
this day actually suck.I came late early in the morning for class and now i'm going to submit a reading report. Hayy..Pagka nalang sa life..=)masarap kasi matulog lagi..hahaha!
sleep freak. that's more like me as of now. I always starve and look forward on laying my tired body on my bed.Lingaw man diay mag window shop no?especially when you don't have any intentions of spending a buck and you try on wearing dresses, shirts and leaving the poor saleslady do the aftercare. So mean!hahaha!
well, anyway, I won't be able to go home this weekend. Lotsa projects to be done. Hay life.
Stop whining nalang Angel, That's Life.hahaha!^_^
hayy..Life at it's best..You'll never what you've missed not until you're finally burned and stressed out..ever felt like choking?I want to choke. Everything is fine, except that I don't feel happy about doing something anymore..I miss being with them, but the consequences always bugs me.The bottomline is that, I can't no longer find excitement in playing this game(audition). I don't want to be so eager and look desperate on searching for a BOO.(the song keeps on playing in my mind right now, LOVE IT). I don't want to fool myself anymore, thinking that I can be triumphant in escaping all the things that's giving me a headache.
Everything Sucks. My life is imperfect. and I really hate thursday's and friday's..hayy..Magkanta nalanga ko ani. Kapoy na sige og problema..^__^
*The greatest kind of suffering in the world is not about waiting for something that won't eventually come, or leave to look for a better options, or stay. It's the feeling of not knowing what to choose. To wait, leave, or stay*(chaka lang!^__^)
wee!My FIRST blog..hahaha!